Nobody loves a party more than me, so it was unanimously agreed that I am the perfect person to write a party survival guide, seen as I have survived many. An office party however, is whole different story. There are rules. But rules are meant to be broken. So here’s how to break some of those “office Christmas party rules” and survive. And hopefully still have some dignity and a job in the new year”¦
Dressing for the party
This is your ultimate opportunity to outshine everyone. It’s time to dress to impress. Interpret “dress festive” to include anything that could be worn as lingerie. Wear a mistletoe headband and point at it. A lot. Hopefully somebody will get the message. Wear anything that is going to get you noticed. It’s also your one chance in the year to wear clothing that is the “real you”. Bring out that old Guns ‘n Roses shirt or the one with Bob Marley smoking a giant spliff. If your company has a party theme, make sure you fully participate. The only time you need to perhaps draw the line is pitching up at work in a loin cloth or as a bare-breasted Himba tribeswoman if your theme is an African one (as ours is this year). But I’m not stopping you, it will certainly get you noticed. Which is the primary objective here. People who get noticed either get a raise or get fired … the risk could be worth it.
Staff members’ names
This can be a tricky one, especially if there are lots of staff or you are a newbie at the company. You may say hello to the receptionist every day, secretly fancy the shy guy in Accounts or ogle the long tanned legs of the manager’s secretary, but you have no idea what their names are. The only way around this one is call everyone “honey”, or “sweetie” or “darling”. It sounds charming and friendly (or a bit like you’re from the PR department) and should give you a chance to sidle up and have a chat whilst waiting hopefully for one of your drunken colleagues to shout their name from the bar.
All you can eat!
The festive season is tough on the wallet. Not only are there parties every night of the week, you also have to buy presents. Which means there’s little money left for food after you have spent it all on drinks and silly gifts for people who probably don’t appreciate them anyway. The office party will have a smorgasbord of food. For free! Tuck in people, don’t be shy. Treat it as part of your bonus for all your hard work during the year. If you can’t fit it all in your tummy or believe that eating is cheating, shove food in your pockets or laptop and take it home for later. Stretching to reach the last meatball on the platter is also a great way to meet fellow staff members. Extra points if you offer them the last meatball.
Did someone say free drinks?
Bars are a good place to meet people and have fun. So why should the work function bar be any different? The added benefit here is that it is happy hour for the whole event. Free drinks are enough to make anyone happy. Combined with the free food, everyone should be positively jovial. Position yourself at the bar and chat to everyone who comes to get a drink. Offer to buy them a drink, pour their drinks, offer to drink their drinks. If you are feeling particularly generous (or jovial), whip out that bottle of tequila from your briefcase and offer everyone a shot. Your popularity stakes will soar.
Get to know your colleagues
A staff Christmas party is held for two reasons. To make the staff happy and for staff members to relax and have a good time. With each other. Everyone is going to go into denial here, but let’s face it, there is usually someone you fancy in the office. The chances are they are going to seem even more appealing after a few free drinks and look a lot hotter at the party than they do under the fluorescent office light. Offer him or her drinks, make witty comments, flirt unashamedly, offer them the stashed barbecue chicken wing from your pocket or cleavage. This is your golden opportunity to get to know them better. You never know where it could take you. It will also make you the subject of office gossip and every celebrity will tell you there is no such thing as bad publicity. A note of caution, this section only applies to the unmarried crew at the office. Embarking on an affair with your married boss or colleague is so not cool.
Shake what your mamma gave ya
Some office parties will have music, a band or even karaoke. After a few free drinks most people find their inner rockstar or bring out their Michael Jackson dance moves. Dancing is definitely encouraged with extra points for getting everyone involved in the conga or getting the boss to dance on the table. Kareoke is your chance to show everyone how much better than Lady Gagga you are and will provide your colleagues with plenty of entertainment. Participate, don’t spectate.
The afterparty
This is where you can really enjoy yourself. Invite everyone still lingering after the bar has closed to the nearest nightclub or bar to carry on the festivities. You could also invite them to your house which will definitely have a more personal touch. If you really want to get ahead, invite your boss to the afterparty. Or insist on having the afterparty at his or her house. That way you probably won’t have to phone in the next day making excuses for not being able to come to work as your boss will probably not be in either.
Back to work
If things really got out of hand (high five!) it is best to walk into the office with your head held high as if nothing has happened. Greet everyone as if it is another normal working day. Chances are everyone will be looking frantically in their drawers for headache tablets and won’t remember you running around in your Bob Marley shirt from 1980 pouring everyone shots of tequila whilst encouraging the IT department to dance on the desks. Besides, if they do, who cares. As I said before, there is no such thing as bad publicity. It’s also not called the “silly season” for nothing.
Disclaimer:
The author takes no responsibility for anyone being fired from their jobs or slapped in the face by a colleague. She does, however, encourage taking a taxi home (or to the afterparty at the Manager’s house).
