It’s the day after Christmas, and you can hear practically hear livers all over the world crying out for mercy. The floor has been re-carpeted with wrapping paper from yesterday’s energetic disembowelling of gifts. There’s a half-hacked roast turkey carcass in the fridge. You’ve found sticky-tape in your hair. There’s an awful plastic gimmick in your shoe, and it’s travelled thousands of kilometers from the Orient just to be with you today.
Today is clearly not the time for lovingly brushing phyllo pastry with melted butter to turn the leftover creamed spinach into spanakopita, especially seeing as it feels unlikely that you’ll ever want to eat again. However, all is not lost: you can still make order from the chaos. Here are some simple ways to get on top of your non-edible Christmas leftovers, all of which can be accomplished even if it feels like you are moving through jellified gravy.
1. Wrapping paper
Waste not, want not. Wrapping paper can be re-used easily. If you think about it with an open mind, there is a surprising number of objects that could do with some covering up. Wrap your coffee table with tissue paper, and never worry about wiping up spills again. Wrap the dirty dishes with some distractingly bright patterned paper, and by the time your cunning ruse is discovered, you’ll be miles away from the sink.
2. Party hats
All are horrible. All have uses. If you’ve been cursed with the floppy plastic ones, never fear: they can be easily modified into a gag for when the children’s chorus of “I’m booooorrred” begins. As for the gold and silver cardboard ones, cut one into a large mask that covers your face. When great-aunt Hilda starts telling you for the third time about the moment she discovered that mint jelly doesn’t agree with her, slip on your mask. The sparkly surface will dazzle her for a minute, and distract her from the story. Offer to get her a mince pie, and you’ve made your escape.
Crackers never fail to deliver infinite disappointment.Crackers
3. Crackers
Crackers are a bit of a consolation prize for adults. They’re sparkly, cheap, useless and lose their appeal as soon as they’ve been ripped open, but we insist upon their presence to sate the appetite of our inner toddlers. But you will be wise this year, and collect every trinket as soon as they are discarded. A whistle here, a mini-pen there: you’ve got the makings of a fantastic children’s mobile. If anyone questions you when you attempt to gift it next year, reply haughtily that there’s no place in heaven for those who oppose recycling.
4. Bones
There’s little doubt that whatever constituted your Christmas feast, something died. Whether it was a turkey, chicken or lamb, now is the opportunity to connect with your inner Native American and show respect by using every last piece of its body. With little effort, a bird carcass can be stuffed with stale bread and dog food and strung up in the yard: voila! You’ve just created a dog piñata for some light afternoon entertainment.
5. Tinsel
The idea that tinsel is only appropriate during the holiday season is horrifying. This is a simple tip: save yourself the irritation of squishing mounds of glittery plastic into a box by keeping it out all year-round. How else, pray tell, are you going to swan around like a drag queen when you don’t have a feather boa? It’s so innocuous that people will not notice the evil intent billowing off you like smoke until you have them firmly wrapped and tethered where they belong. Or, if you decide to use your powers for peace rather than war, add it to the perimeter of a doll-house to create an authentically South African barbed-wire fence.
