Today South Africa wakes up to the smell of two of our favourite things: the smell of something grilling and the smell of saving money. If you’re not sure what the latter smells like, hold that R5 coin you didn’t give to the car guard up to your nose as you hurriedly drive away. Smells a bit like nickel infused with a hint of guilt.
Anyway, in case you haven’t heard, today Steers is having their second, once-off, Wacky Wednesday Special.
It’s a hot deal, so hot that it has the potential to cause a bit of chaos. I’m not saying that we’re all a bunch of heedless savages without an inkling of modern etiquette. In fact, second only to the British, I believe we are a nation that excels at queueing, and we have Home Affairs to thank for that.
The difference is, at Home Affairs there isn’t a juicy, flame-grilled, R10 rib burger on the other side of the counter. So, before we turn into uni-directional zombies fuelled only by a carnal need to put meat into our mouths, here are five quick tips for surviving today’s potential mob:
1. Dress appropriately
Today your personal space will be compromised. There will be nudging, there will be leaning, there may even be a strange man behind you breathing heavily into your ear. Wear something with a bit of padding. Don’t wear any clothing that resembles a uniform, especially not a Steers uniform. You do not have a marble counter for protection and you may be accosted by someone who thinks Steers employees keep the rib burgers in their pockets. Try to avoid wearing any of the following, or at least not all three at the same time. You’ll be alright in pretty much anything else.
2. Don’t bend down
All mobs have inherent forward momentum. Do not, under any circumstance, bend down. One of two things will happen.
- You will end up with your head wedged firmly into the ass of the person in front of you. This is not good. It will create mass confusion. People will wonder what kind of asymmetrical beast this is, how it got into the queue and why it sounds like a mental patient screaming into a pillow. You will both have to be forcibly removed from the queue, and perhaps even from each other. Back of the mob for you.
- You will become Steers’ new welcome mat. As in ‘Welcome to the floor, you will be there until the entire country has had their burger’. Again, wear padding.
3. No queue jumping
Don’t jump the queue. Big okes love burgers. You will get a klap. If, for some inexplicable medical reason you just cannot wait, there’s one thing you can do, but please, use in emergencies only.
The truck and trailer: rugby’s cheekiest move
- Find the ‘big oke’ (there will definitely be one)
- Grab the back of his shirt and ball it into your fist
- Put your head down
- Say something about extra protein patties for the first 50 customers
- Hold on
Here’s a quick diagram that illustrates the desired result:
4. Don’t take someone else’s burger
Firstly, who are you? Secondly, you are about to create a real-life, fast food version of the film Inception. You will instantaneously become the epicentre of an angry mob … within an even angrier mob, within a mob waiting for their burgers. Nobody will feel sorry for you and like Leo DiCaprio you may never, ever, get out.
5. Keep calm and carry on
The less you look like you need a burger, the more chance you will have of getting a burger. It’s just a universal dynamic, like rich people winning at casinos and celebrities getting free stuff. Stay calm, look around, whistle a tune, just make sure it’s not the theme tune from Braveheart.
If you have any other tips for surviving today’s mob, share them below, and stay safe.
